Male or Female?

I remain mystified by much of life. One pondering in particular that I can never rectify: God is supposedly genderless but he made us male and female. There is plenty written on this matter, I know. Some say God isn't genderless, rather he's male -- dominant, strong, even violent. And if you question that, just read the Bible -- God is a HE! Others say she's female -- caring, compassionate, nurturing. Others say something like "God created us in the image of God and couldn't put all of God into one of us, so we are made into two of us; that's why we aren't complete until we find a mate." (Pretty much leaves singles always incomplete.) Still others see God as transcending gender somehow, that asking "Is God male or female?" is a false choice, like asking "Will the next President be an independent or a communist?"

Now I'm fully aware of the biblical imagery and descriptions of the church as the bride of Christ. This would definitely make Jesus the Christ male and us female. Well, I'm not female, so what do I do with that?

Admittedly, I usually ponder this question after my wife and I have had a less than admirable run at getting along, as in "Why did he make us so different?!" For this pondering round, we've just returned from a wonderful weekend getaway. Strangely, I find myself wondering again, "What's up with God making US male and female while he seems to remain neutral or at least leaves a female out of the heavenly threesome?"

It just seems strange and gets stranger when I throw human sexuality into the equation. Is there such a thing as heavenly sexuality? Musings from a happily married and happily confused male.

Pure delight

Adding three adolescent girls to the two I already have for an overnight splurge of giggling and silliness provided joy to my home that remains contagious. These five girl/women from 13 to nearly 16 spent at least 5 hours (I fell asleep at 11 PM) fully enjoying one another's company. Pure joy; laughter; screams of delight; good medicine. In small doses, please, so as not to lose its value or me my sanity!

There and Back Again

After a long absence, I am "back in the saddle."

It has been a very long 40 days of trial, pain and growth. Support from our fellow Christians has been invaluable. Mostly, God has found ways to smile on us in the midst of this trial, yet those smiles do not relieve the pain that comes with difficulty. Normal is different now. I have learned new things about me, my family and my church family. The trial continues but at a lower intensity than before -- manageable.

I pray that we do not have to experience such again, but no guarantees are given. I see others in situations that would crush me and thank God I am not them. Others have looked at our situation and thanked God they are not us. What does not kill us makes us stronger, but getting stronger hurts beyond belief. Here's to living in pain for the opportunity to grow. Been there and back again and moving on to the next cycle of pain and growth.

Thank God.

Going it Alone?

How do people go it alone? How does an individual or a family make it through trials and struggles without extended family and/or friends to help them carry the weight and strain. How does an individual or a family make it through without faith in God and his power?

I cannot imagine what life would be like without faith in God. I cannot imagine suffering alone without family, without friends to hold me up. And when those friends have similar faith in God, similar beliefs in the Almighty, and make themselves available to comfort and support, peace comes.

Trials will come, and with them much pain. Yet the one who promises the peace that passes understanding is available and alive and holds all things together, especially us. God bless those who extend themselves to comfort others. Because of God and their faith in him and their acts of love, life becomes less a burden and more a joy.

More God, More Pain?

My interaction with God has increased since the beginning of the year. I've spent more time in prayer and more time in His Word and more time reading spiritual literature than ever before. I've had more "God discussions" in the past year than ever before. I've thought more about God -- who God is, what God wants, where God lives, how God might think, how God came to be -- than ever before. I've asked more questions of God in the past year -- what's the deal with free will? do you learn? how do you feel pain? what brings you to action? do you laugh? -- than ever before.

It also seems that I am now challenged more, tempted more, and feel more vulnerable.

Now, more than ever before, I have reason to spend even more time in prayer, more time in his word, more time in "God discussions," more time thinking about God and more time asking God questions.

My latest question to God: Is it true that the more time we spend with you, the more pain we can endure and therefore more pain comes our way?

Growing Up

Today I became angry, very angry. I was watching one of my children's basketball games. Before I knew it, I was screaming my head off and getting the attention of both my spectator daughter and spectator wife -- attention I did not want. My anger continued as I attempted to wriggle out of being resposible for my actions.

I remained defiant about my behavior, justified it and didn't back off until two hours later. I didn't like what I did, either the yelling or the justification of it. I'm trying to understand both the outburst and the silly stance afterward. I think the first was passion, the second immaturity. The first was in the moment, the second was out of bounds. The first would have been forgivable if not for the follow up prideful posture.

I need to grow up.

Slow Down Discipline

At what point am I allowed to give less than my best? If I'm tired, do I get a break? If I'm depressed, can I slack off? Who says what is my best anyway? Sometimes, when I think I'm giving less than my all, people tell me, unsolicited, that I'm doing good things. Other times it seems when I'm giving it all I've got, I get the most criticism. So why not just give enough rather than all I'm capable of, especially if enough is good enough?

I don't like giving or being just enough or even less than my best because it lessens what I've been made to do, as well as letting down the one who made me. I find myself most tired, most bummed when I'm doing a bunch of things that don't matter, when I'm being less than that for which I was created. To do that for which I was created requires some discipline -- actually a lot of discipline. Most of the time, I don't have the discipline required.

Most likely then, most of the time, I'm giving less than my best. I don't like this one bit. So, I'm trying to slow down and more fully understand who God has made me to be and what my purpose is. I'm trying to be more intentional to what I say "yes" to. And I'm seeking God's presence more to remain in tune with him rather than in tune with me. All of this is hard, because it takes discipline, discipline I don't have. So, I'm trying to slow down and , , ,

Faith in Time?

Faith: belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence (dictionary.com)
Faith: the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Book of Hebrews in the Bible)

What is this "faith" that is both casually tossed about by some and seriously held by others? Faith in what or in whom? Most American's don't need faith. We're doing fine without it, since we are mostly concerned about what we possess and how we look. We have what we want (or can purchase what we want) and we look how we want to look (or we can purchase the way we want to look).

It seems the only thing we can't purchase is time. This we don't have enough of, and we prove it every day by purchasing things that save us time, but we still don't have enough of it, so we keep searching for time saving devices and time saving methods and life extending treatments.

Interestingly, there is probably not another society that has ever existed that had more time to do whatever it wants. Most of our basic needs can be easily met with very little of our personal effort. Our food, clothing and shelter is made by someone else. We have the means to purchase it through working, but we don't have to kill our food or grow our food or harvest our food ourselves; we don't have to use a loom to weave our clothes, or kill animals to have skins to make shoes or coats ourselves; we don't have to cut down trees and saw them or plumb our houses ourselves; we don't have to fetch water or dig latrines ourselves. Machines make our food, wash and dry our clothes, get us to where we need to go quickly, process our waste, compute our bills, and even help us create our blogs (before anyone begins looking for me to upbraid me for my insensitivity to those who work in the home, I'm comparing our society to past societies -- I know taking care of a family's basic needs is hard work and time consuming, but not like it was even 50 years ago).

Since we can only desire what we do not have and the only thing most Americans don't have is time, we insatiably desire time. We stretch our time as far as possible through the use of machines, those machines that save us time and those machines that keep us alive so that we can have more time. We extend our time (lives) at great (all?) cost. What makes time so important? Can you have faith in time itself? Why is time so important that we would spend treasure and talent for it? Is it because if we don't have faith, time is all there is?

Good Pain

Choices come and choices go, but the consequences of the choices I make keep on giving. Right choices, whenever those are accomplished, often provide positive consequences, so I make that same choice each time the situation is presented, like ordering a chocolate almond shake at Braums.

Sometimes, right choices result in negative consequences, like choosing to stand up to a bully and finding yourself with a bloody nose, a few missing teeth and a damaged ego. Of course, some would say those aren't negative consequences at all, but rather, positive consequences since the right thing was done and a lesson was learned (don't stand up to bullies? standing up to bullies is painful? standing up to bullies result in positive, painful consequences? -- positive painful -- an oxymoron?).

I have found that most people equate pain with "bad." To them, there is no such thing as good pain. The closest thing to good pain, it seems, is pain that helps us be vain, as in, "I am in pain from working out, but now I can wear those pants and look better." That's physical pain. Emotional pain -- BAD!

If my choices create pain in me or in others, that's BAD! Well, I think there is such a thing as good pain, useful pain. What is that? Probably pain that helps me grow up. And somewhat like the song says -- "breaking up is hard to do," -- growing up is hard to do, too. It takes good pain. And good pain comes from choices. How often do I choose to make choices that I know will result in "good pain?"

Creator of ?

God the Creator, by speaking, made heaven and earth. God the Creator, by speaking, made man in his image. God, by speaking, created everything ex nihilo (out of nothing). From nothing, God created matter; from chaos God created order; from dust God created man.

Like God, we also are creators. Like God, we create by speaking. While no person I know can create matter by speaking, like God, we use words to create ex nihilo (out of nothing). By speaking evil, I can create havoc. By speaking kindness, I can create positive feelings in myself and others. Ex nihilo, I can choose words of faith rather than words of despair, expressions of love over hate, even action over apathy. Yes, I know God created me, and so, without God I cannot speak or act; yet, God allows me to create as he created, through spoken words; and God gives me choice to move and think and say and be whatever I choose. God has even made it known what kind of life (Word) is most creative -- one of service and sacrifice and suffering.

What are my words creating? What are your words creating? What might our conversation create?

Scrambling for Answers

I am fascinated by the recent emergence of the Latino voice in the U.S. In Dallas, where I live and work, at least 350,000 people, mostly Latinos, marched through a portion of downtown in order to make a point. Was that point to enlighten citizens about the inadequacies and inequalities of U.S. immigration laws? Was the point simply to show the solidarity possible in the Latino community? Was the point to display the Latino community's economic power of available labor and potential purchasing?

I am equally fascinated by the non-Latino response to the emerging Latino voice and the associated march in Dallas. Some children of former immigrants (most of us are) put the "we were here first" frame on it; paranoid others put the "we need to keep our borders secure" frame on it; others put the consiliatory "we do need them to work for us" frame on it; "Americans" put the patriotic "go back to Mexico to wave the Mexican flag" on it. Still others embrace the Latino voice and recent actions with "they have every reason to march here, it's a free country."

The mixed bag of responses is equal to the mixed bag of potential purposes for the expression of the Latino voice. Attempting to interpret either groups' expressions is perilous, since doing so assumes motive and intent. And even if either or both sides' motives and intentions could be known, what would an individual or group do with that information?

Healthy human beings yearn to be free, to be individuals; healthy human beings also yearn to be part of a community or group. Identity comes through being an individual; identity also comes from being associated with a group. Some would say there is safety in numbers, there is risk in going it alone. Others would say there is joy in "doing my own thing" and that groups make you do things you'd rather not do. To whom or what do we pledge allegiance? How do we reconcile the continuous need and desire for freedom with the continuous need and desire for safety that pushes hard against freedom? How much do we give up or give in to the pressures of hardening the boundaries, both physical and cultural? Is safety the overriding value, or is challenge and adventure? Do we solve this issue by separating the parties (Latino from non-Latino) or by working together with others whose identity is different but whose main objective may be freedom and self-improvement, which syncs well with U.S. values and culture?

As this issue unfolds, I am considering what really matters to me and to the people with whom I associate. As a follower of Christ, as a husband and father, as a U.S. citizen, as a veteran, as a Dallasite, as a consumer --what is the transcending value or voice that can make sense of what is going on here? Is it that God is bringing people together in spite of man-made physical, psychological, or ethnic borders? Is it that mankind has the opportunity to bless itself through community development and further dialogue among those with cultural differences? Is it more important to establish firmer boundaries around who is a U.S. citizen and who is not? Is safety of U.S. citizens more important than the well-being of those to our south?

The paradox of this issue calls for us to attend to what is most important. Will we cower from tough choices and default to simple, reactionary, separatedness solutions that provide safety for some and limit the potential of others? Or will we recognize the complexities of a globalized world and work together to provide the blessings of acceptance and material wealth to as many as will allow sharing a conversation and a meal?

One of mankind's favorite pasttimes, it seems, is to attempt to define who's in and who's out, to create identity through safe sameness, e.g., we're the same, so let's stick together. I believe we're all in, and in it together. Since I have been blessed with the freedom to choose, I'll choose to remain myself while I work to bring us together, "us" being ALL of us.

Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again

I just finished James Frey's disturbing and challenging personal diary put into book form called "A Million Little Pieces." This book is not for the faint of heart or for those unable to look deep into the darkness of mankind.

Frey is not everyman, he is one man with one experience; his self induced horror that was his life for 13 years (10 years old to 23 years old, Frey remained in a alcohol/drug induced stupor most of the time) wrecked havoc on all with whom he came in contact.

Frey describes in graphic detail his journey from his final stupor that landed him in a drug rehab facility (he lost four front teeth after falling down a fire escape and was poured onto a plane to go to rehab) until he leaves it.

His writing style is staccato and runon. It works. He is vulgar and clear, mean-spirited and direct, intellectually honest and moral in a street-wise sort of way. There is forgiveness, grace and gospel throughout. There is also hate, disdain, contempt and revenge. It is a mixture of what is, of what we live in or near.

After reading the book, I was disrupted and melancholy. James's journey is harsh, visceral, extraordinarily painful and simultaneously beautiful and redeeming. His multitudinous addictions and willfulness create a despicable human being. His act of redemption near the end for Lilly, an addict and prostitute, reveal an incredible, grace-filled, loving human being. The attitudes, beliefs and actions living in one person result in a mysterious, authentic blend that left me confused but smiling.

From entering to exiting rehab, James lives at the poles of wickedness and goodness. My life does not swing from pole to pole as James's does. I don't know that I'm interested in seeing it do so. But there is something about his act of love toward Lilly that draws me to James in a way I did not expect. I wonder if I could do for another - any other - what James did in the end for Lilly. How deeply can I love another? How deeply do I love ANY other?